双语阅读:情感专家告诉你 如何“科学地”说分手

2018-10-26 06:02:36 来源: 中国日报网(北京)
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双语阅读:情感专家告诉你 如何“科学地”说分手

Tell the truth — but don’t be cruel

温柔点儿,讲真话

If you’re ending a relationship, you owe it to the other person to explain why, says Rachel Sussman, a New York City psychotherapist and author of?The Breakup Bible. “The people that I see who have the hardest time after a breakup, it’s because they don’t understand,” Sussman says. Ideally, your reason shouldn’t shock the other person, because you’ve discussed it in the past and tried to work through it, Sussman adds.

如果你想结束一段恋情,你应该给对方一个解释。来自纽约的心理治疗师、《分手圣经》的作者瑞秋·苏斯曼说道:“在我看来,人们在分手后最大的痛苦在于他们想不明白为什么分手。理论上,提出分手一方的理由不该使对方感到震惊,因为在决定分手前你们应该为此争执过,并且想过要去修复。”

Guy Winch, a New York City psychologist and author of?How to Fix a Broken Heart, agrees that you should give a reason, but stresses that a breakup isn’t license to unload all of your pent-up complaints and snide comments — even if the other person says they want to hear them. “Find the one thing, because that might be useful for them [to know],” he says. Listing every last annoyance isn’t productive and will only drag out what’s likely to be a painful conversation.

同样来自纽约的心理治疗师、《如何修复破碎的心》的作者盖·卫恩齐也同意苏斯曼的这一观点,并强调分手的重点不是释放你一直压抑着的怨言和尽情地讽刺对方,哪怕对方表示会接受你的“发泄”。“找出一件能够使对方理解的、具体的事儿来说明白。”无休止的抱怨毫无益处,反而会使痛苦的交谈没完没了。

It’s also important to choose your words carefully, the experts agree. “Phrase something as, ‘This bothers me,’ or ‘This really was difficult for me,'” instead of blaming the other person, Winch says. What you feel is terrible isn’t always objectively terrible, he says — just bad for you.

专家们还认为,谨慎措辞也很重要。卫恩齐说,不要只是责备对方,可以试着这样说:“这让我困扰”或“这对我来说真的很难”。你感觉很糟糕的事儿并不一定很糟糕,可能只是你的感觉而已。

Finally, resist the urge to soften the blow with platitudes. Saying, “‘We can be friends,’ or ‘Now’s not a good time for me,’ all sound like, well, maybe in the future” things could work out, Winch says. Don’t imply that’s the case if it’s not.

最后,抑制住说善意谎言的冲动。卫恩齐说,别试图用“我们以后还可以做朋友”或者“目前我的状态不适合谈恋爱”这种话来给对方无谓的希望。如果以后再无可能,就不要给对方任何暗示。

Do it face-to-face

面对面,说清楚

Both Winch and Sussman say in-person breakups are the most considerate and mature option for established couples, and should preferably happen in a private place. “If it’s in public, they might be distraught, and then they have to somehow get home, which is horrible,” Winch says. The best place to do it is in their home, not yours, he adds, so you can leave if the situation gets too drawn out, and so that they’re in a familiar place.

卫恩齐和苏斯曼都提到,对于已经确立关系的伴侣来说,私下、面对面谈分手是最体贴和成熟的方式。卫恩齐说:“如果在公众场合,被甩的一方情绪会比较容易失控,这种情况下再独自回家是比较危险的。”谈这类问题最好的地方就是在对方家里,而不是你的家里,这样如果谈得不太顺畅你可以离开,而对方也是在自己熟悉的地方。”

That said, there are a few exceptions to the face-to-face rule, Winch says. Most importantly, if you fear for your safety in any way, you should keep your distance. Aside from that, a phone-based breakup may be okay if you’re dating long-distance, or if you’ve only seen each other a few times. For very new dating situations that have only lasted a date or two, you can even get away with a text.

卫恩齐说,不过“面对面”原则也有几种例外的情况。最重要的是,如果你担心自身的安全,你还是应该与对方保持距离。除此以外,如果是异地恋,或者彼此只见过几面,电话分手也是可行的。如果只是刚刚开始的恋情、只见过一两次面,那么短信分手也不是不可以。

But even if you’ve only been on one date, Winch says it’s always better to be upfront, rather than ghosting. He even recommends writing out a boilerplate message — something along the lines of, “Thank you, it was fun, but I didn’t feel a romantic connection” — and keeping it on hand for those situations.

但是,哪怕你们只约会过一次,给对方一个交代比玩“消失”要好得多,卫恩齐说道,哪怕只是写一些类似“谢谢你,和你一起挺开心的,不过还是没什么心动的感觉”之类的客套话。

郑娟 本文来源:中国日报网 责任编辑:郑娟_NQ0738
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